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It’s been nearly 6 months. For most of that time I haven’t been thinking about being a musician, or being an artist, or being motivated to succeed in this world. I have mostly been content just to be. When I say mostly, that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been many moments of angst and worry about “what I’m doing with my life”. There have been plenty of those moments. Sometimes much more than moments, stretching into hours and days.

But I have been strangely free of the incessant drive to “be someone” and prove my worth to the world. This has been wonderful, and at the same time quite disconcerting. Do I really want to be an artist? Do I have what it takes? What are my priorities in life? What shape do I want my life to be? What shape is my life now? Am I living the life that I want?

So many questions. Right now I don’t have many answers.

But I think decompression is a good thing, even though I don’t know what will come of it.

I’m trying to think about my artistic process. Let alone for now the fact that I don’t really feel as though I have an artistic process. It has been extremely frustrating over the past few months to have found myself continually juggling work, practice for other people’s gigs, snippets of time for my own projects, and occasionally actually trying to have a life.

I’ve been undertaking a residency program at Victoria University here in Melbourne, for which I have to present a “folio” of where I am at as an artist. I’m supposed to have gathered and documented over the past few months – by now I should have a collection of photos, recordings, writings reflecting my journey as an artist. Have I done this? Not really.

I am supposed to present this… tomorrow. Hmmm.

Basically I interpret the assignment as a provocation to discuss and examine where I am at in my creative process. And my answer is: I’m not sure.

I don’t feel stuck. I don’t feel uninspired. On the contrary, I feel very inspired by a lot of things.

I just feel stretched. Strapped for time. Sapped of energy. I feel that I haven’t made my art a priority in my life. I feel that I’m not really sure what my art is right now.

………..

But then I remember… I’m about to head off overseas for 80 days. I’m going to be an artist. A travelling, nomadic, go-where-the-wind blows me creative person. I’ve spent the past few weeks working like a crazy person to try and save up money, organize accommodation, book plane tickets, contact people and make sure everything is covered at home while I’m away. No wonder I don’t feel like I know anything. In creating this amazing opportunity for myself, in creating this time of space, freedom and adventure, I have had to deny myself space and time in order to create it later on.

I am excited. And scared. And exhilarated. And exhausted.